Patriots Win Snoozefest Super Bowl

Who else would have rather watched reruns of The Office on Comedy Central or the latest episode of America’s Got Talent on NBC last night instead of the worst Super Bowl in the history of the NFL? I am sure the vast majority would agree with me saying that, and many people probably were doing just that with last night’s Super Bowl having the worst ratings since the 2009 matchup of the Pittsburgh Steelers and Arizona Cardinals. That is to be expected with the lowest scoring game in Super Bowl history accumulating a total of 16 points, down from 21 points in the Miami Dolphins 14-7 victory over the Washington Redskins in Super Bowl VII in 1973. The most exciting part of the Super Bowl was the two Avengers: Endgame commercials and the Bud Light/Game of Thrones crossover advertisement in which The Mountain crushed the skull of the Bud Light Knight while a dragon flew overhead. Congrats Boston fans. You went a whole 98 days between the Red Sox World Series victory and the Pats’ 13-3 victory for the ages.


This game will be remembered as a punting showdown between the Rams’ Johnny Hekker and the Patriots’ Ryan Allen with a total of 632 punting yards on 14 attempts. Hekker was easily the Rams’ Super Bowl MVP with 417 of those punting yards and an average of 46.3 yards per punt including a 65 yarder that was a Super Bowl record. The first touchdown arrived with 7 minutes left in the game on a 2 yard Sony Michel rush. To be fair, Sony Michel actually had a very good game with 94 yards on 18 attempts and the game’s lone touchdown. Meanwhile, the “GOAT” Tom Brady had a WHOPPING 71.4 passer rating on 21/35, 262 yards, zero touchdowns, and an interception on the opening drive. Over half of these yards were picked up by Super Bowl MVP Julian Edelman (10 receptions, 141 yards) who never had a defender within five yards of him all game.


Before I get into the fact that Jared Goff is one of the most overrated quarterbacks in the NFL, there is something else that needs to be addressed. WHERE THE FUCK WAS TODD GURLEY ALL GAME?! The best running back in the entire NFL had only 10 rushing attempts for a putrid 35 yards but was splitting snaps with CJ Anderson who almost cost the Rams the game after fumbling on their own 16 yard line in the beginning of the fourth quarter. The Rams coaching staff insisted that Gurley was healthy coming into the biggest game of his young career, yet barely saw the field. In a close game where it was 3-0 at halftime, there is absolutely zero reason for apparent offensive mastermind Sean McVay to call 38 pass plays for Jared Goff when you have the best running back on planet Earth who ran for over 1,200 yards and 17 touchdowns in just 14 games. Goff, on the other hand, went 19/38 for 229 yards and an interception on a lollipop thrown directly to Stephon Gilmore. Jeff Fisher really cut Nick Foles for this guy?


I lost over four hours of my life watching the worst football game I have ever seen when we potentially could have gotten a Chiefs vs. Saints Super Bowl featuring NFL MVP Patrick Mahomes and Drew Brees. Even the halftime show sucked. How can Adam Levine not perform “Sweet Victory” from Spongebob? How do you have a fifteen second cut scene without an actual tribute to the greatest performance in musical history? Also, why did Travis Scott only play one song? This entire experience was a waste of time. The game was an atrocity. The halftime show was garbage. The commercials were awful. I feel terrible for anybody who actually spent money to attend that game.


Congrats to former Gamecock, Stephon Gilmore, and nobody else. Tom Brady is still a system quarterback and owes all of his success to Bill Belichick. Tom Brady is still a closeted homosexual who makes out with his son and Robert Kraft. Tom Brady lost to a backup quarterback. Tom Brady is still not my GOAT.


Photo Courtesy of SB Nation


Mike Johnston
Glenside, PA
University of South Carolina ’21
Twitter: @mjohnston0880

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